Alaska and Appropriations
These last few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least. I went from a voting week, to traveling through Alaska, to America’s FY25 budget being due. I can’t lie though - I felt pretty cool staying until 11 PM at the Nation’s Capitol multiple nights in a row for the sole purpose of ABSOLUTELY GRINDING. I’m also joyous that it’s almost over.
Alaska rocks - let me tell you why.
Something Funny My Friend Said to Me (IN ALASKA!)
As I’ve said in this section of the ‘stack before, Bryce Cluff is the funniest mothereffer on the planet. Here are some of my favorite bits of his from the trip.
We were discussing bear attacks and in a serious, defeated tone, he said, “It’s such a shame. All it would have taken was a good guy with a bear.”
We walked past a Navy ship in Juneau and he belted “OHHHHH BOYYYYYYYYSSSSS!!!!!” at the top of his lungs in a transatlantic accent for all of the sailors to hear.
Every time we saw an eagle (countless times) he would go, “reallllll f**king sacred.”
I had some funny but unfortunate experiences with Alaska airline employees.
On our flight from Juneau to Anchorage, the gate attendant looked back and forth between my photo on file and real-life me, and says with shock, “you’re pretty in person!” Okay???
When we were flying from Anchorage to Seattle, I got called up to the desk and was jubilant thinking that I was about to be upgraded for the first time. That was not the case. Instead, the desk attendant informed me that I’m a FAT FAT FATTIE! She explained that we were boarding a “weigh-controlled plane” or some other BS and MOVED ME BACK SIX ROWS, and then moved BRYCE UP A ROW!
Something Yummy I Ate (IN ALASKA!)
Bryce, Lilian and I went to a two-martini three-hour dinner full of giggles that felt like it lasted for 15 minutes because of how fast time goes by when you’re having that much fun. The food kinda sucked though.
While we’re on a negative note, I’m going to go ahead and discourage y’all from ever trying to eat any vegetables in Alaska. I got a BLT and mistook the ‘tomato’ as a pickle because of how green and sour it was, and not in a southern fried green tomato way. I’m grateful to have lived to tell the tale.
Criminally bad blt
Generally speaking, the food in Alaska was jank but I guess that makes sense considering it costs $13 to buy a gallon of milk and it’s dark for a substantial amount of the year. But, I had the best bowl of ramen of my entire life in Anchorage and amazing Indian good in Juneau of all things.
Receipts and ramen
We toured a middle school in the Interior and one of the people we met with gave us salmon jerky at the end. I cannot describe how delicious it was and how fun it was to gnaw fish meat off of salmon skin.
If you ever need a peanut butter latte in Juneau, I know a spot.
Apparently the owners of this place are big time Alaska Native culture appropriators but we did not find that out until we bought a combined 8 of their lattes. WOOPS! Don’t cancel us - yet.
Having two queen beds for multiple nights was wonderful, and I designated one as my eating bed since I don’t allow myself that privilege at home. Unless it’s a sweet treat at night, because that doesn’t count as eating in bed. I consumed more spinach artichoke in bed at the Hotel Captain Cook than I’m proud to admit.
The best meals without a doubt were the ones I had in my coworkers/friends family homes. Sam’s mom made us Alaskan salmon cakes and Lilian’s dad made us Chile Colorado.
Getting to see where Lilian grew up was special. We took a boat parked under the Trans-Alaska pipeline through a river with ice chunks in it to her homestead where I got to hold a three-day-old sheep and pet baby cows. Delta Junction (population 944) is the place to be!
Something I Listened To (IN ALASKA!)
It’s a crazy coincidence that the 13th edition of Savi’s Silly Substack is the one I get where I get the privilege of speaking on Taylor’s new album… She really is never going to beat those witch allegations. I would NEVER burn her though! I just want to be part of the supermodel-filled coven!
I downloaded TPD between my flight from Seattle to Juneau, and Burke pointed out that I had what Dua Lipa would refer to as, ‘future nostalgia.’ I couldn’t stop thinking about how every time I circle back to this album in the future I’ll remember going to Alaska for the first time and how special that will be.
The album is perfect to me. It’s a dazzling mixture of all of her eras. (She would love that I chose the word dazzling.) It has the emotion of country music, the poetry of folk, and the catchiness of pop. I can’t pick favorites, but the ones I find myself playing over and over and over are TPD, Down Bad, So Long London, Guilty as Sin, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart, How Did It End, I Look in People’s Windows, The Prophecy, and The Bolter. Basically, all of the songs that have a question mark in the title. Also, the rest of the album.
Bryce and I got the zoomies every night around 9 PM and ran around in circles singing Ribs by Lorde.
Another Thought
This has clearly become a journal that I share publicly, so I want to write down a few memories that I don’t want to forget.
Getting so much time out of the office with my intelligent, good-hearted, hilarious coworkers was the highlight. I want to remember driving through the parks on the way back to Anchorage, skiing at Alyeska, having an SVU-filled sleepover with Lilian at the Captain Cook, playing cards with Sam’s parents, playing FMK with Sam, Lilian, and Bryce on the drive from Anchorage to Fairbanks, giggling with Bryce, seeing six moose, having every window I looked out of look like a film picture, and (to get sappy) having amazing meetings with amazing people dedicated to making healthcare and education and our country better and safer.
Your federal tax dollars hard at work!
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More Alaska pics! -
Alaska vlog! -
Guest Submission
My best friend of 20 years Jesse Baynes is here to tell you about her taste in men -
Why Celebrity Crushes are Pivotal for Real Life Relationships
How fitting that Savioli bestowed the opportunity for me to guest-write the same week that my sizzling, semi-annual situationship crashed and burned. This one was much more promising than my usual catch and release dating regime; I saw potential– I was a wilted houseplant with the chance to stretch toward some long-denied sun.
Inevitably, my aversion to new-wave cultural dating norms deterred him, and both of our unwillingness to compromise left us no choice but to call it quits. In the hours following the break-up, however, the object occupying my reflections was not a feeling of betrayal, vengeance, or feminism. On the contrary – I thought simply of Timothee Chalamet.
Celebrity crushes have staked a claim on my psyche for as long as I can remember. What started with animated heartthrob Danny Phantom in my elementary school days quickly matured into more realistic crushes like Justin Bieber, Jesse McCartney, Rodrick from Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc. Below you will find three of my most formative love interests and their impacts on my frontal lobe development –
1. Early Adolescence / Niall Horan
Background: My transformation into tweenhood can undoubtedly be traced back to July 23rd, 2010 – the day One Direction formed and I first laid eyes on the cheeky Irish lass with endearingly crooked teeth. While my counterparts fixated on bad-boy Zayn or superstar Harry, I found myself innately drawn to Niall; he was goofy, bubbly, and above all else, kind. His fanfiction authors frequently credited him as the shy/sweet lover, and overall his public perception was one of light-heartedness and joy. The OG Golden Retriever, if you will.
Impact: Middle school was the era where ‘boys will be boys’ was frequently used to dismiss the actions of my classmates. When boys were mean that meant they liked you, so you should submit to the teasing or else they’ll think you’re a priss. But when {NAME REDACTED} walked past me one day in the hallway and whispered “lose some weight,” I immediately snapped back with one of my Dad’s favorite insults, “Did you get a cup of soup with that haircut?” and opened Wattpad to remind myself that boys can be nice – just look at Niall! I drew comfort amidst the teasing when remembering that there was someone like my Irish king out there. From that day on, I vowed to never settle for someone who made me (or others) feel inferior.
2. Teenhood / Cole Sprouse
Background: My unwavering dealbreaker for intellect in a partner can be attributed to Cole Sprouse. In high school I recognized how essential emotional depth was in a relationship; I never could get on board with the whole ‘it’s fun to date the hot yet stupid football player’ schtick, so when I caught a glimpse of Cole Sprouse’s life post- Suite Life era, I was simply swooning. Here was an NYU grad with a passion for art, the environment, and film. He was endearingly quirky – from his eloquently witty Instagram captions to his passionate photography projects, Cole demonstrated that men can articulate their emotions.
Impact: In college I briefly dated an engineering major whose intellect typically manifested in mansplaining the grid system of downtown Athens to me. I quickly realized that intelligence without emotional connection left us with zero commonalities. One afternoon on a drive I pleaded for a spark by posing the question, “what’s one song from your life that grips your heart and transports you back in time?” He pondered momentarily, then responded straight-faced, “Probably Stir Fry by Migos.” When I realized he wasn’t joking, I stared out the window with the dismayed countenance of an army wife and realized I had to end things. I could not waste my life searching for significance among a Billboard Hot 100 song, and it wasn’t my job to exhaust myself in a game of 20 questions extracting a semblance of emotional depth from anyone. Merci, Monsieur Sprouse.
And yes I’ve seen that one Call Her Daddy clip. You all just don’t understand him like I do.
3. Adulthood / Timothee Chalamet
Background: Everyone saw this coming. Timothee has been my frame of reference for most of adulthood –he embodies a perfect concoction of Niall and Cole-like qualities, but what he specifically brings to the table is chivalry. And no it’s not just those French roots that influence my perception; through red carpet videos demonstrating modest humility and the constant singing of praises about his female co-stars on and off camera, Timmy’s reverence to those around him is affable. This ol’ Victorian fairy reminds me that respect is no antiquated attribute.
Impact: As previously mentioned, my ‘old-fashioned’ dating preferences are not always well-received. In our current casual dating culture, I find myself questioning whether I should loosen the reins on how I hope to be pursued. The fear that I wasn’t embracing “chill girl” standards arose in my recent fling – but thank goodness Dune 2 premiered at just the right time! Jokes aside, the vision I’ve conjured about Timmy truly does encourage me to stick to my morals and not allow the ‘no strings attached’ peer-pressure in dating to deter me. It’s not my job to prove myself worthy enough to date by conforming to the status quo, and Lil Timmy Tim reminds me that the right person will respect my dogmas and gently float this wild river of life beside me.
To my fellow young professionals, I encourage you to find your Niall. Find your Cole. Seek out that scrumptious celebrity crush who reminds you to set your standards high and reflect inwardly for your value. I bid you adieu with this piece of advice my Dad mailed me freshman year of college:
Guest submission fire